A FRIEND IN NEED

It  was  on a  Sunday  morning  stood  on  Grandad's  cabbage  patch

that  Nigel  got  his  calling  to  play  in  a  football  match.

Snotty  Sid  from  Crossley  Street  came  bounding  through  the  gate

and  with  a "Alright  Nige  young  sprout, now  whatcha  doing  mate?

We're  short  of  a  goal  keeper  now  that  Shorties  broke  his  snout,

you  wouldn't  be  a  right  good  friend  and  kinda  help  us  out?"

"But  I've  never  played  in  goal  before," said  Nigel  with  a  grin.

"There's  nothing  to  it  Nige  me  lad,  just  don't  let  nothing  in!"

So  off  with  Snotty,  Nigel  went  to  'Cloggers  F.  C.'s  ground

and  down  into  the  changing  rooms  went  Nigel  with  a  bound.

Shorties  kit  was  hanging  down  from  over  by  the  pegs,

when  Nigel  put  the  jumper  on  it  covered  all  his  legs.

The  shorts  were  unbelieveable  they  were  so  big  and  wide

that  he  could  shove  both  legs  in  one  and  turn  from  side  to  side.

Undaunted  by  these  outsized  togs  he  sprinted  to  his  goal

but  in  his  haste  to  do  his  bit  his  foot  caught  down  a  hole.

He  did  a  double  somersault  and  cos  the  grass  was  wet

he  hit  the  ground,  his  shorts  flew  off  and  landed  in  the  net.

Amongst  the  many  whistles  and  the  shouts  to  "Get  them  on!"

He  donned  another  pair  of  shorts  and  then  the  game  begun.

Dodger  Harris  had  the  ball  and  passed  to  Snotty  Sid

who  kicked  it  over  to  the  wing  to  Smudger  Simon's  kid.

Smudgers  kid  raced  up  the  wing  and  tried  to  pass  to  Joe

but  then  a  lad  built  like  a  tank  just  took  it  off  his  toe.

Up  the  field  he  bulldozed  and  no-one  could  stay  his  pace,

then  came  that  crucial  moment  when  he  met  Nige  face  to  face.

A  smurk  appeared  across  the  face  of  that  tank-bodied  oaf

and  Nigel  knew  now  was  the  time  for  him  to  use  his  loaf.

He  gathered  all  his  senses  and  drew  up  his  five  feet  nought,

which  side  of  his  huge  goal  mouth  would  the  big  lad  try  to  clout.

The  ball  whizzed  off  the  tank's  left  foot  and  hurtled  to  the  right,

no  way  was  that  ball  going  in  without  a  real  good  fight.

Nigel  leapt  into  the  air  not  thinking  he'd  get  hurt

the  ball  curved  down  and  then  bounced  up  and  shot  up  Nigel's  shirt.

It  hit  him  just  below  his  chin  and  as  his  head  flew  back,

it  flew  out  of  the  open  neck  and  gave  the  post  a  whack.

When  it  rebounded  off  the  post  it  fell  at  Snotty's  feet

and  Snotty  gave  it  such  a  boot  it  landed  in  the  street.

Young  Nigel  soon  confirmed  the  view  of  what  goes  up  comes  down

and  with  his  legs  akimbo  he  then  clattered  to  the  ground.

The  next  thing  he  remembered  as  unconsiousness  drew  near

was  being  given  mouth  to  mouth  by  some  buck-toothed  old  dear.

Though  two  years  have  now  passed  since  then,  the  memory  remains  vile

and  if  he  sees  a  friend  in  need  young  Nigel  runs  a  mile.

MIND YOUR BUSINESS

Smiler was a great big cat with patches white and black,

they started from his tallest ear and went right down his back.

His eyes were quite unusual as far as cats eyes go,

one was of an emerald green and one was white as snow.

The white one caused on one dark night when Smiler on the prowl,

was greeted from behind a tree by a bloodcurdling growl.

Being fearless as he was  with not much brain on top

he decided to investigate, the growling for to stop.

He stalked his prey most expertly until he reached a box

and sitting right on top of it asnarling was a fox.

He squared right up to Smiler, fangs aglistening from his jaw

but Smiler was to quick for him and caught him with his claw.

It stuck up the foxs nostril and just held him in mid pounce,

then he toppled over backwards hitting fencing with a bounce.

Boomeranging back to where our Smiler bravely stood,

the heavy fox fell on to him and crushed him well and good.

When in the haste of his retreat, as he began to fly

he trampled over Smilers head and trod in Smilers eye.

The moral of this story is, like Smiler don't go blind,

if you hear the fox asnarling then your business you should mind.

DISH OF THE DAY

Molly decided that today she might try

to make her dear daddy his favourite pie.

She put on an apron and into a dish

poured flour and water and half a big fish.

A load of tomatoes, some peaches as well

and a squirt from a lemon to give a nice smell.

Two large potatos and a small juicy pear

then she put in some yogurt because it was there.

She stirred round and round until it just looked

as if the ingredients really were cooked.

She shouted her daddy, "I'm just serving up!"

Then poured him some water into a large cup.

Daddy tasted his dinner with a face so serene

said, "Mmm that was lovely," then turned a bright green.